Tending your self is not selfish
The seed idea for creating this holistically-centered business began in the pages of my journal in late 2024. As I brainstormed a name for this embryonic business entity, the gentle, imperative statement “tend your self” presented itself to me quietly and firmly. Ever since this simple instruction landed in me about 18 months ago, I have mulled over its meaning. As this business begins to extend its tendrils into the community, I want to invite you into a collective contemplation of what it means to tend your self...
In the last note, we explored the word tend, which involves deep, consistent observation, care, and cultivation. Tending is also relational; it comes from the Latin word tendere, meaning to stretch. When you tend your self, just like the tendrils unfurling from the spine of a well-tended pea plant, you have the capacity to stretch out vibrantly into the world around you and connect with others.
This week, I want to spend some time traversing the meaning and scope of your self, andI hope you will reflect along with me. Just to say, this rendering of self is an exercise in meaning-making, and by no means is it meant to be definitive or comprehensive. I am grateful for the many writers, thinkers, and spiritual teachers who have generously shared their own insights on this topic. At the end, I will share a short list of books that have been particularly formative for me.
A basic orientation toward self
The dictionary’s definition of self revolves around the individual, as in “an individual’s typical character or behavior” or the “elements (such as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations) that constitute the individuality and identity of a person” (Merriam-Webster).
As an individual, you are utterly unique. Part of what makes you so singularly you are the experiences, interactions, sensations, images, behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that have accumulated consciously and subconsciously forming memories, your present reality, and your ideas about the future. No other person has had or will have the experience of selfhood in exactly the same way you are experiencing your aliveness right now. How mind blowing is that?! Sometimes, if I want to have a mini existential mind melt, I will sense into another person’s experience of selfhood for a few moments and attempt to imagine the complexities of their own body, consciousness, way of seeing the world, and think: how is it that I came to be me and you came to be you (?!?🤯?!?).
An expanded orientation toward self
In everyday life moments, it is easy to forget just how inimitable each of us is. We may not understand why someone doesn’t see things the same way we see them, or we may be awed by a person’s ability to stay calm in a situation we find very stressful.
One exercise that has been illuminating for me is to imagine how the countless interactions I have had with other people – other selves – have contributed to creating my individual self. Just as a sedimentary rock is formed from the many particles it has encountered during its existence, each one of us has been formed by everyone, everything, and every being in the world around us: the food we eat, the water we drink, the air we breathe, our friends and family, the community and culture we live within, the stranger who offered a kind smile at just the right moment…the list really goes on and on.
As I begin to perceive my self from this more expanded perspective, I am not only aware of the ways I have been formed by others, but also of the ways I have contributed to their formation. Simply by existing as my self (and you as your self), we each participate in a mutual exchange with all other forms of matter – living and non-living, human and non-human – that intersect and coalesce to form each other. We are in a constant co-creation process as we are simultaneously creating and being created by the world around us.
Tending your self ➡ Tending your community
At this point, it feels important to stress that tending your self is not selfish or self-indulgent. On the contrary, as you tend your self, you tend your community. Just like a well-tended pea plant rooted in loamy soil, your well-tended self grows a vibrant spine with generous tendrils that reach out into the ecosystem around you. As you intermingle with other people, situations, and environments, your well-tended self effortlessly exudes a palpable radiance that offers presence and warmth, nourishing each moment and each interaction. In effect, your well-tended self offers strength and vibrancy to your community.
📚 Books that have oriented me to my self's place in the world (a non-exhaustive list):
Tao Te Ching by Lao-tzu, translated by Stephen Mitchell
Braiding Sweetgrass & The Serviceberry by Robin Wall Kimmerer
In the Absence of the Ordinary by Francis Weller
Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown
🌀As I was writing this, I listened to this excerpt from an interview with Thich Naht Hanh that is a wonderful companion to this note.
